'Sounds EXHAUSTING': Internet roots for woman who tells friend why she can't come on trips with her boyfriend
The internet is supporting a girl after she stopped inviting her friend to hang out with her. The scenario was discussed by the original poster (OP), u/Expensive-Case-3263, on Reddit's well-liked "Am I The A**hole" sub category, where it garnered several upvotes and comments within just a few hours of posting.
In the Reddit post titled, "AITA for telling my friend why I don't invite her out with my bf?" OP, 28, talks about her friend, Vanessa, 28, with whom she has been friends since they were kids. She started by writing, "I (28F) have a friend, Vanessa, also 28. We've been friends since school. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. Bf travels a lot for work and a lot of these trips include socialising with people he's in business with, some of whom are friends. I often travel with him and when he's home he does the same sort of things in our home city."
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'I love her, but it's oil and water'
OP talked about how Vanessa asked to be included in those trips, but OP doesn't think it would be a good idea for a number of reasons. According to OP, Vanessa would not mix well with her boyfriend's other friends. "The people we often travel/go out with are a certain type of guy - work hard, play harder, and they like to "play" around certain types of women. Absolutely no issue with these women, a lot of them I've become friends with, and Vanessa is great, too, I love her, but it's oil and water," she said. OP's second reason was "Vanessa can get very upset/down/moody when she feels insecure, especially in male dominated environments. If we're at a bar and a guy is talking to me not her, that will pretty much ruin the evening. I don't much mind this when it's me and her, but on a several days long trip, with things like that happening daily, I don't have time to manage her." Another reason, as mentioned by the OP was that "if I'm out with people my bf is associated with, I feel a responsibility to make sure that I reflect well on him (and vice versa), so bringing Vanessa along just doesn't feel appropriate to me."
'Vanessa told me to f**k off and stormed out'
The post continued, "In the beginning I was a bit more honest about not inviting her, saying 'oh, I don't think these people are really your vibe' or 'it's a bit boring just sitting around listening to guys talk', but Vanessa kept insisting she'd like to come, I just started dodging with 'I'll see' or 'I don't know when I'm next doing something', but she keeps becoming more insistent, especially after seeing another friend of mine (not a mutual friend, but Vanessa follows her on social media) post about a trip she came on with me. Vanessa has started complaining to our mutual friends about me being a bad friend for not inviting her and how weird it is that I'm so 'secretive'. I saw her for lunch a few days ago and she wanted to make plans for a certain date and I said I was away. Vanessa then snapped, oh on another one of your shady trip that you refuse to invite me on. I don't know if it was the rosé or exhaustion but I said, 'Vanessa, be honest with yourself and with me. Do you think you're going to have a good time surrounded by girls like that and the guys who chase them? Or are you going to get jealous and sulky and have a bad time?' Vanessa told me to f**k off and stormed out."
'People who sh*t-talk are not actually friends'
More than 200 people left comments on the post, with all of them supporting OP for being blunt with Vanessa. One user wrote, "If you have to 'manage' your friend's moods because she's insecure, jealous and moody, I cannot imagine it being fun to hang out with her in general. It sounds like Vanessa is either out for the free drinks and food, or shopping for a boyfriend. She is not entitled to be involved in every detail of your life, and accusing you of being 'secretive' indicates the concept of boundaries and personal independence may be challenging for her. People who shit-talk behind their friends' back are not actually friends. You told her how it was and she didn't like all that shiny bright honesty. NTA," while another agreed saying, "Managing your friend whilst at the same time having to be a bit 'on your best behaviour' because this is BF's crowd and not yours, would be EXHAUSTING."
A third commented saying, "NTA (Not the A**hole) Your boyfriend is socializing for BUSINESS- it's part of his job. It's perfectly reasonable to bring a SO to work related events, but bringing a random friend along? Especially one that you're uncertain of the impression she'll make, and how that could affect your boyfriend's job. Just look at how she handled being told "no" to joining your trip she wasn't invited to- now imagine if one of your boyfriend's colleagues/connections told her no. How do you estimate that would go?"
Another user added, "NTA, This friend of yours is absolutely an AH about this. She kept harassing you, you told her partial truth about why you don't want her. Then she kept pressuring you again, and started bad-mouthing you. She deserved your blunt truth for why you never invite her. I never considered someone an AH for giving a blunt reply to a question. Someone else asks. Especially when the someone else has made every attempt to dodge and ignore polite replies."
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