Wife and kids OR parents? Internet split after familial duty discussion goes viral
Is it a child's responsibility to look after their parents? A post by a man who wants to move into a new house with his wife but not his mother kicked off this very discussion. The post was shared by OP, u/CJLPOWER, on Reddit's popular subreddit 'Am I The A**hole' where it garnered hundreds of upvotes and comments.
The OP starts the post with, "I live with my wife and mom, due to numerous financial factors that made it so, including the rising inflation and cost of living. Recently, I got a promotion that would essentially mean I'd be able to now support myself and my wife and keep ourselves comfortably afloat in this economy. This made us excited to finally see a world where it can be just the two of us, in our own home and able to start a family."
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'It comes off to her like we're trying to kick her out in the street'
But the OP's mother threw a wrench in their plans. He continues, "My mom, who due to medical issues is only living off social security. And she's set on coming with us wherever we go, because of feeling she won't be able to make it on her own. She has the capability to, but she won't." Even as the OP and his wife have encouraged his mother to understand their point of view she feels that they are "trying to kick her out in the street."
His wife feels that his mother is trying to guilt her husband into staying with them forever. He ends the post with, "This has put an unbearable atmosphere around us whenever we're all three in the same room together. I don't mind my mom staying with us for now until she can find an option she can settle for, but I do want to make sure she's aware that we want to move forward, just the two of us. Sooner than later."
'You can't keep both happy'
The post has 61 comments with a number of people calling the OP NTA (Not The A**sshole) for wanting a life away from his mother but others have commented that he was being hypocritical by not supporting his mother in her old age. One user wrote, "NTA Find separate living arrangements asap. The longer she stays the harder it will be for you to move on with your lives. She may want to look into elderly / disabled housing options. It was never your job to live with her forever. It's happiness in your life & marriage that should be your top priority. I doubt your wife will agree to this living arrangement until your mom dies. Choose you and your wife."
Another user echoed the sentiment by writing, "NTA but unless you set some real boundaries with your mother you'll continue to poison your marriage and all your future relationships. Decide which is more important: placating your mother who clearly guilt trips and is selfish, or your wife. You can't keep both happy. Here's a hint: don't pick your mother. It's a parents job to raise and take care of their children, not the other way around."
One Reddit user expressed a slightly different opinion, "NAH I understand you wanting to start an independent life with your wife, but I also understand the fear your mom has of staying alone. A lot of ppl here will probably disagree with me, seeing the direction of the replies, but I believe we should take care of our parents in their old age after everything they gave and did for us throughout our lives. Leaving your mom alone while she's suffering from health issues and barely has any income isn't the greatest move imo. What if you help her move into an assisted living facility? somewhere nice where she'll meet other ppl her age and have some social life? Social security will pay for some and you can add a bit so she can live in a nice place. Another option is getting a place with a side unit attached so she can live next to you but not actually in the same house, so you'll have privacy (that's actually my plan if any of my or my partner's parents will need our help)."