Slutsky & Bitchin' | How the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp scandal tested the 'believe all women' diktat
Slutsky: You have of course been reading about the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp audiotapes. And more often than not, there has been an avalanche of people apologizing to Johnny for disbelieving his claim about being a victim of domestic abuse, vilifying Amber Heard for admitting of "hitting" him and not being able to promise that she wouldn't "get physical" when angry. Well, I have my own thoughts on this of course, but I wanted to hear yours.
Bitchin': My take is that we simply don't know. What we have are a bunch of audio snippets and accusations of domestic violence by both parties. I know that relationships can become pretty toxic and intimate partner violence from both sides being abusive is not as uncommon as we would imagine. Especially if their attachment styles are in conflict, trigger violence or fights between them.
Slutsky: Attachment styles?
Bitchin': Sorry for the psycho-babble but it fits this scenario so well. So you have Amber Heard repeatedly telling Johnny that she hates it when he "splits". She seems to have a fear of abandonment and an 'anxious-preoccupied attachment style'. Such people frequently anticipate rejection and search for signs of disinterest from their partner. They may feel triggered by even the most subtle or imagined signs of rejection from their significant others because of inconsistent or unreliable caregiving they experienced in their childhood.
As a result, they may act possessive, controlling, jealous, clingy (and yes violent) towards their partner. They may often seek reassurance or display distrust. Johnny Depp, on the other hand, seems to have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, shutting down and withdrawing into a shell when faced with screaming or any kind of conflict. They are fiercely independent, subconsciously fearing intimacy because they do not want to be hurt and disappointed, often resulting in a strong desire to retreat into their 'cave'.
Anxious types are drawn to avoidants, and vice versa. For anxious types, avoidants validate their abandonment fears about relationships, while avoidants need someone to pursue them to meet emotional needs that they subconsciously disown. So in a sense, the anxious ones and the avoidants trigger a negative cycle of actions and reactions to each other that keeps getting worse as time passes.
Can it all descend into a vicious cycle of violence? Absolutely. Do we know if this is what happened in the relationship between Depp and Heard? The answer is 'we don't know'. No person on the outside can truly fathom what is happening inside a toxic relationship, especially when there is intimate partner violence -- which is why I find the internet outrage hilarious.
We, as a society are projecting our fears and traumas on to their relationship, framing their lives in a fishbowl through whatever lens suits us. It is less about 'them' and more about 'Us'.
Slutsky: Which brings me to the 'believe all women'. Do you think we should? I kind of side with what the real-life investigator, Galbraith said about listening to victims of assault and violence. This was one of the investigators who cracked open the case about a serial rapist on which the NETFLIX series 'Unbelievable' is based on.
Galbraith's rule was, listen and verify. “A lot of times people say, "Believe your victim, believe your victim,” Galbraith told 'Pro Publica'. “But I don’t think that that’s the right standpoint. I think it’s listen to your victim and then corroborate or refute based on how things go.”
Bitchin': Exactly. But in the Amber Heard-Johnny Depp case, what is happening is the exact opposite. There are dribbles of information about what happened within their marriage and relationship that are being leaked strategically to the press. At the same time, both are fighting a battle to save their reputations and their careers.
There is an arbitrary court of public judgement based on partial and often 'taken out of context' knowledge or information. Then the gavel comes down and everyone screams 'cancel'. It happened with Johnny Depp first and now it's happening to Amber Heard. But do we really know what is going on? Nope.
Slutsky: I am also bothered at how people are attacking feminism in general because of all this. Feminism is the practice of confronting toxic stereotypes and assumptions within the dominant heteronormative and patriarchal systems that harm women and men. Patriarchy engenders the notion that men can't cry or show weakness.
Patriarchy pushes the idea that a strong man cannot be abused by a weak woman. Patriarchy makes it shameful for men to stand up and ask for help as a victim of domestic abuse or sexual assault.
Underage boys who have been introduced to sex by an older woman are considered lucky. Locker room violence and bullying are considered normal because boys have to learn how to take it like a man. Feminism targets precisely these toxic patriarchal belief systems that oppress and endanger all the genders.
Bitchin': Feminism is against toxic masculinity -- not against men. It is about empowering women -- not turning them into abusers and tyrants. When will people get this right?
Slutsky & Bitchin’ is a weekly column that will examine the highs and lows of pop culture and media from a feminist POV. The column is published every Saturday.