Internet debates over man's claims his GF's depression and ADHD are her 'excuse' for being a slob
A man's claim that his girlfriend's depression is her "excuse" for being messy has sparked serious controversy on the Internet. The scenario was posted by u/zZzSleepy in the popular Reddit subcategory 'Am I The A**hole?', where it received more than 2K upvotes and 1K comments.
In a Reddit post titled 'AITA for telling my girlfriend that her having depression isn't an excuse to be a slob?', the man started off by saying, "Recently my GF moved in with me a couple of months ago into my home due to her being on bad terms with her parents. Living with her as been a little bit of a struggle because she's a very messy person. She leaves her clothes everywhere on the floor & on the bed. Can't be bothered to fold or hang up her clothes in the closet. I swear she uses our bed as a closet. She sometimes brings food into the room & doesn't throw it away. Even worse she sometimes puts the garbage under the bed so I don't complain about it. I don't even want to get started on what the bathroom looks like, I had to start using the guest bathroom."
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'Act like an adult'
The OP (original poster) said he understood the effects of depression but there was a limit to how far things should be allowed to go, writing, "I understand that having depression can make it harder for someone to take care of themselves & their environment. But I feel like there is a limit to where you're just using it as an excuse to just do whatever & not care. Especially when you're living in someone's else home."
He continued, "I keep telling her to clean up after herself & that I'm tired of cleaning up after a grown woman & she always responds with that she has depression & ADHD. Which I don't see how that's an excuse. You have depression, sure. How does that make you leave garbage everywhere & be a slob? I don't get it. You're an adult. Act like it."
OP went on to say that his girlfriend accused him of not being sympathetic towards her situation, "She got angry & accused me of not giving a f**k about what she is going through & called be an Unsympathetic m*ron. Apparently I'm not being supportive & understanding of her mental health because I have a problem with her treating my house like it's a garbage dump."
"Am I the a**hole here? I feel like I was overly harsh because I probably could've addressed this issue in a friendlier way, but after many attempts of trying to get her to be more clean & pick up after herself, I just had enough," the post concluded.
'She needs to take responsibility'
The internet seemed divided, with more than 1.2K people leaving comments on the post. One user who had ADHD shared, "I’m going to offer another view point from someone with pretty severe ADHD. Living with ADHD is hard and doing basic utility tasks is a pain. It’s not that it’s just the absence of motivation to do them, it’s that it’s kinda painful to do them. Like it’s very uncomfortable. So you should have compassion for your girlfriend and be understanding, but if someone told me not to worry about doing uncomfortable things and allowed me to make excuses and blame everything on my ADHD then they would be crippling me."
"While it’s harder for you GF to not be a slob then it is for neurotypicals it’s NOT impossible and she needs to take responsibility and have respect for those living around her. Personally if I don’t go running or if I don’t eat right or have the discipline to go to bed at a reasonable time then my ADHD is a lot worse, but it’s my responsibility to make sure I do those things. Your GF needs to take responsibility for her ADHD and not put the burden on others around her, it’s a heavy burden but it is her burden. Honestly using ADHD as a ticket to hurt your own mental health by being a slob in your own living space, and refusing to put in the hard work to better themselves is a pretty asshole move IMO," they added.
'You're insensitive and harsh'
Another user who went through something similar shared, "NAH (No A**hole Here) I also have ADHD and depression and I have the same struggle when it comes to cleaning. I used to live with an ex partner and we had the same exact problem, only that he was incredibly patient, and not pushy at all. But still, nothing ever changed, so after 2 years, he broke up with me because he couldn't take it anymore. And I get it. It was for the better. So I understand how hard it is for your girlfriend. I assure you she's not trying to make an excuse; it's legitimately almost impossible a lot of the time to get sh*t done. The only thing that's helping me with it is a service where a sort of therapist comes to my house once a week and helps me do everything I need to. Not sure where you're from, if that's an option and affordable, but I'm just dropping it here."
They continued, "Anyway, since I used to have a partner who was in your shoes, I understand your struggle as well, and I don't think you're an a**hole. I think you're insensitive and harsh, but you're very frustrated, and I get that. Here's the thing: The messiness of your girlfriend is not going to change anytime soon. It is possible for her to learn to deal with it and become better at picking up after herself. But most people with ADHD struggle with keeping a space clean, and when you have depression on top of that, there's honestly a lot of things a person usually has to deal with first, before they feel ready to tackle the cleanliness problem. So honestly, I don't think living together is working for either of you. It's making you very frustrated and resentful, and it's increasing her anxiety and depression."
"Tl;dr: Neither of you is an a**hole. You're understandibly very frustrated, and you need things to change in order to feel comfortable. She's struggling with things that are very difficult and take a long time to learn to deal with. The situation is unhealthy for both of you. If you want to try to make it work, I recommend looking up ways to help with someone who has ADHD/depression. There's a lot of grear ressources on the internet," the comment added.
'He's not being insensitive'
Meanwhile, a third user supported OP, saying, "He’s not being insensitive I have adhd and she’s going as far as to HIDE IT UNDER THE BED? I’m a grown ass women and I STRUGGLE but you have to take responsibility for your own mental illness it’s so highly unfair to move in with someone and treat their house like a pig sty, not even attempt to clean up or make an effort and then blame it on your adhd and depression when you knew from the start YOU WOULD BE LIKE THIS. You cannot make someone else’s life hard because YOUR STRUGGLING. I sympathise, but she shouldn’t have moved out into someone else’s home is she wasn’t ready and I’m assuming that’s why she has fallen out with the parents. NTA he has tried to help by letting her move in and she is disrespecting his space and she’s not even trying to get help."
Another Reddit user suggested some helpful tips for OP, writing, "As an ADHD+Depression household, something that has made it easier for me is to put things where I need them, not where they would normally be. She leaves food garbage next to the bed? The garbage can goes next to the bed, not tucked away in a corner somewhere. Does she always leave her dirty clothes in one spot? That's where the hamper goes now. We have a dirty clothes hamper in the dining room, bc all of us tend to abandon sweaters, work clothes, etc when we walk in the door. Is it a strange place for a hamper? Yes. Does it mitigate the issue of having clothes strewn about the living room and dining room? Yes."
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