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'Always hated the woman': Internet sides with widow who kept mom-in-law in the dark over devastating news

The woman asked Reddit for advice after losing her husband to acute cirhossis

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA: A devastated woman was praised online for choosing not to tell her mother-in-law about her son's death. Redditor u/second_ave_slav explained the situation in a post on Reddit's r/AmItheA****** (AITA) forum.

"My husband passed away recently after a very sudden and difficult struggle with cirrhosis," the original poster (OP) wrote. "It was easily the worst thing to happen in my life. The damage was invisible for years, we never saw it coming. He got so sick, so fast." Her husband lived for a little over a year following the diagnosis. They called family members to inform them of the same, including his mother.

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'She has always been cruel to him'

"I've always hated that woman," the widow wrote of her late husband's mother. "She has always been cruel to him, putting him down every chance she could. When we called saying her son was terminally ill, she first denied it and insisted we were lying. Then she went on about how we should've seen this coming, that this is just what happens when you're a drunk. She only called once after that, and we didn't pick up. A little over a year later, I had to bring him to the hospital and in two days, he was gone."

The husband had been visited by close family and loved ones during his final days. His wife was devastated after he died. "I wasn't doing very well at the time, everything just happened so fast. I wasn't ready to make any of those decisions, and between the doctors and the bills and just seeing him so sick, I didn't even think about his mother," she continued. "In the days after, I just didn't want to deal with her. I know that's horrible, but I was just so tired."

The widow received a call from her mother a couple of weeks after the fact. "I'm not sure how she heard. She was hysterical, which I know is understandable. She said I robbed her of saying goodbye to her son, and robbed him of a proper service," the OP recalled. "I should have just hung up, but I was so hurt and so angry. I informed her a very nice service was held, [and] every important person in his life was there."

Speaking to Newsweek, sex and relationship therapist Rhian Kivits explained that "illness or death can cause havoc in family relationships because it can raise complicated, conflicted feelings within individuals, and family members may clash." She added, "Where there has been a rift or an estrangement, family members left behind may feel regretful or guilty because the opportunity to repair the relationship has been lost. This adds a difficult dimension to the grieving process, and anger or shame may dominate relationships with other surviving family members," Kivits said. "Individuals may have different expectations of each other in the aftermath of an illness or death, and this can be heightened by grief."

Mother-in-law went 'ballistic'

The grieving woman's mother-in-law allegedly went "ballistic" after the call. She immediately contacted her other sons and voiced her anger against her daughter-in-law on social media. The poster continued, "Even my parents said it wasn't my place to make that choice for my husband, and I should try to talk with her. I know I probably should. But she made him miserable, and if he had been able to choose, I know he wouldn't have wanted her there." She added, "I don't think she deserved to see him, and I don't think she deserves to have any of the things that were his. But now that I write it all out, it really sounds horrible."

The woman asked fellow Redditors for advice and what they thought of her predicament. The commenters were overwhelmingly on her side, telling her she wasn't wrong for excluding her mother-in-law.

"Why didn't his brothers tell their mom about the service? NTA[not the a**hole]," one wrote.

"NTA The fact that her other sons also didn't call her to have her involved goes to show you made the right choice," another agreed.

"Did MIL[Mother in law] really think that someone was going to reach out after what she said when she was informed that he was terminal? She had her chance to be kind but she chose to be...herself. NTA," someone else offered.

"NTA. Blood relationship does not entitle anyone to be in someone's life. She didn't earn a place in her son's life. That's on her. You and your husband gave her a chance to be there for him in the end, and she made her choice," another chimed in, adding, "She sounds like a narcissist who is more concerned with garnering public sympathy and playing the victim than actually caring about her own son's passing. Continue to block her from everything, including your own thoughts. I am sorry for your loss."