'Switched' Review: A botched recreation of classic teen dramas that should have never been attempted
Lindsay Lohan's early 2000 classics are movies never to be touched again. But when you take the concept of 'Mean Girls' and put a 'Freaky Friday' spin to it and add names like Denise Richards and John Schneider to the mix, it's understandable why one would consider offering a fair amount of attention to the story. This year's 'Switched' is a film that promises the same, but delivers so little, it's hard to imagine this is not one of those Netflix teen romcoms that blew up so unnecessarily and to such blasphemous proportions that the whole essence of cinema feels ruined.
The story revolves around Katie Sharp - a faux Regina George if you will. The signature blonde bombshell played by Madeleine Byrne has a social media existence envied by those around her, especially our heroine Cassandra Evans (Miya Horcher) who although promotes a message of love and God, can't stop pining to be her. It makes no sense to build up the tension surrounding the story, so let's just spoil it for you right here and save our dear readers the pain of sitting through its 104-minute runtime. Music prodigy Cassandra has social anxiety after traumatic events of her past and that she's a ginormous nerd doesn't help her case when it comes to the supreme queen bitch, Katie. Days before her Julliard audition, Katie exacts revenge on Cassandra just for answering a question correctly in class and the poor girl prays to God to show Katie what it's like to walk in her shoes.
The story thereon becomes 'Freaky Friday' minus Jaime Lee Curtis's hilarious comedic timing or a young Lohan prancing about in the arms of the dreamy Chad Michael Murray. Cassandra and Katie's souls switch bodies and they wake up as each other to find out the nitty-gritty of their personal lives. Soon comes out the vapid, shallow friendships that Katie has made with her minion and how her family treat her like a glitz and glam lab rat, managing her career as a social media star for their own personal gains. Katie, in Cassandra's body is shocked to learn that a family even cares about mental health days and offers her the chance to take time off and heartwarming as the realizations might be, everything is drawn out way more than it deserves to.
From dialogue delivery to plot progression, these character arcs are worse than puppets dancing to the whims of their master because no conscious human would act the way and be so influenced by incidents happening within the span of a day the way people in this story do. Teenagers are shallow and impressionable, but come on, they can think for themselves at least - something that this movie conveniently forgets. It's interesting how Byrne and Horcher do better as their swapped avatars, so excellent casting choice right there. Sadly, if your main attraction for the film is Schneider or Richards, all you're in for in less than seven minutes of screentime. They play Katie's annoyingly selfish parents - worse than Amy Poehler's cool mom from 'Mean Girls', reminding us once again why Lohan's classics are not to be touched, let alone absolutely butchered like this.
The worst part of the film is perhaps the character arc of Cassandra's best friend Abby (Chelsea Crockett), the sweetest nicest girl who is just as socially awkward as her leading best friend and has nothing but support and loyalty to offer to her. But once Cassandra and Katie decide they have to figure out a way into swapping their bodies back to normal, Abby is discarded like a used tissue paper never to be seen again, as Cassandra's bully - the very girl she was so unhealthily aspiring to become - becomes her best friend. Katie and Cassandra swap bodies on the day of the Julliard audition, very conveniently, mid-prayer right before Cassandra is about to deliver and after that, the epilogue sees her as an active part of Katie's ultra-famous blog. Must be nice, even though the film is not.
'Switched' will be available to rent or buy on demand from September 4.