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Suez blockage sparks erotic fan-fiction wave about 'f**kboi boat' Ever Given and canal 'heaving with lust'

As the mammoth container vessel Ever Given became a regular topic of discussion at dinner tables across the globe, creative humor was unleashed online

Netizens took their s**tposting efforts up a notch as the mammoth cargo vessel called "Ever Given" was stuck in Suez Canal all of last week, since March 23. The container ship successfully blocked one of the busiest shipping routes on the planet. The vessel was finally freed on Monday, March 29, after a six-day ordeal that saw ships being forced to travel around the Cape of Good Hope like it was the 1700s.

However, as Ever Given became the topic of discussion at dinner tables across the globe, creative humor was unleashed online. The memes have been great — but one can argue the fanfic is even greater.

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Fanfiction platform ArchiveOfOurOwn listed at least 27 fanworks with the tag “Suez Canal (Anthropomorphic)" as of Friday, March 26. The majority of them personified the canal and Ever Given as a romantic and, apparently, sexually-active pair. These fics would arguably fall under the category of "crack fic" — bizarre comedy prose in the guise of fan fiction, according to Jezebel.

One of the first fics of the Suez/Ever Given saga was titled, "XXX-TRA WIDE CARGO STUFFS MAJOR SHIPPING LANE —- DELIVERS HUGE PAYLOAD!!” It told the tale of the cargo ship and the famous canal as lovers undergoing a rough patch:

“I’m so very glad,” the Suez Canal said, acidly, “that we’re doing this live. How convenient that we have minute-by-minute GPS updates so the whole world can see exactly how bad your aim is.”

“There’s no need for personal attacks,” the Ever Given said with forced patience. “It’s not like I did this on purpose.”

“So fucking around and drawing a dick and balls in the Red Sea, that was, what, top-notch professional steering?”

“That was foreplay. And hey, this isn’t all on me, you know. It takes two to tango.”

“It’s not my fault your bulbous bow is so fucking big. Overcompensating much?”

“Well it’s not my fault you’re too outdated to handle the capacity requirements of modern shipping!”

A frigid silence descended.

“I cannot believe,” the Suez Canal hissed, “that you just said that.”

“I didn’t mean it.”

“You know I had work done in 2015. You think expansion projects are easy?”

“Baby, come on—”

“You think I can schedule eight billion dollar infrastructure improvements like a day at the salon? Just because you can slap on a fresh coat of paint in a month—”

The amusingly bizarre account was written by an author who goes by the name GalWednesday, who described it as "the most cursed thing I’ve ever written.”

“I think the idea popped into my head while I was looking at memes about the Ever Given’s “bulbous bow” and how it had gotten lodged in place,” the writer told Jezebel. “I was doing my pandemic exercise routine of walking laps from one end of my apartment to the other in an endless loop — that is in no way metaphorical for 2020/2021 as a whole — and I started mentally drafting an actual fic for it.”

Meanwhile, other notable fanfics include an erotic lesbian story on the duo with the tags "what if we hugged ... and put a stop to 12 percent of the world’s trade in the process" and a gay erotica with the tags "A Shipping Container Having Anal Sex With The Earth". There is even a “podfic” — audio podcast fiction — with the tags “Suez Says That She Loves You,” with a summary reading, “Suez says that she loves you, as she holds you in her tight embrace.”

One of the summaries that were particularly hard to resist described the 'Ever Given' as a "fuckboi boat." 

The banks of the Suez canal were heaving with lust and mournfulness. She allowed the passage of freight to bypass the Cape of Good Hope, but what did she have to show for it? The novelty of the water gently lapping at the walls of her soaked canal started off exciting and had her dreaming of more, but it had been 60 years of gentle lapping and foreplay is nice but only if, y’know, you follow it with actual play. Nearby In the Mediterranean the ultimate fuckboi boat revs her motor and feels her oats, looking for someone to fuck.

One can argue that the fanfics are a lot more exciting than the live "fancam" the Suez Canal Authority released Thursday, March 25.