Man asks if it's wrong to date a former flame as his wife has dementia, leaves internet bewildered
A certain question raised by an elderly man has left the internet flummoxed. An anonymous man asked The Washington Post's Amy Dickinson in her advice column whether it was wrong "to date an old flame while his wife has advanced dementia." He said that he he placed his wife in an "assisted living memory care facility" in 2021 after serving as his wife's sole caregiver for years.
He then mentioned in the emotional message that placing his wife in the facility resulted in him entering "five months of psychotherapy while taking antidepressant medication." He wrote, “I’ve finally conquered my deep guilt and sense of having failed her."
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The husband continued by saying that he was confident that this was the best course of action as his wife had forgotten almost everything, including their 55-year marriage their four children. He once posted how lonely he felt on a Facebook page for his high school graduating class. Soon after, he received a message from a woman with whom he had a “lengthy, very steamy, lusty affair in 11th grade" with a suggestion to re-establish their acquaintance. He wrote, “We haven't communicated since we went our separate ways, many decades ago. I am sorely tempted to accept her suggestion. I have a photo of us at our prom, my arm around an exceptionally pretty girl in a strapless gown who liked to make out in secluded places."
"She played with my teenage libido like a yo-yo," he said, adding, “I know it’s a fantasy memory. She’s probably gray, wrinkled, and overweight like me. But still.” He has not responded to the message as he wanted to respect the vows he made to his wife until their dying day. He concluded by writing, "But I wonder if her dying brain doesn’t meet that standard. Am I not entitled to some happiness, even as my wife descends into a deepening fog?" He signed the note off as "Extremely Conflicted Husband.”
Dickinson wrote, “Your decision to place your wife in a memory care facility was so agonizing that it sent you into a serious depression. You were wise to seek therapy and treatment.” She continued, "If you override your own values and respond to this assertive advance, your mental health would probably be affected."
Dickinson then suggested he bring up the topic in counseling and reaching out to old high school pals in order to get in touch with the person he was before his wife fell sick. "But any person who would respond to your report of grief and loneliness by immediately implying a sexual reconnection is once again 'playing your libido like a yo-yo,'" Amy noted. “Elder libido is strikingly similar to teenage libido. The rush of attraction feels dangerous and wild," she said.
The internet was as usual quick to comment. While some were supportive of the man and his predicament, some were not amused at all. “Yes, you absolutely deserve some happiness, but you should be discerning about where you are most likely to find it,” one person said. “This might be the kind of trouble you long for right now, but keep in mind that any relationship you engage in could have far-reaching consequences for your entire family,” another wrote while a third said, "You still deserve to have a life, and to be cared for, yourself."
“A quick romp in the sack is not that. But should you find yourself getting closer to someone who can be a companion in your own older age, it’s OK to pursue that," another posted. Another person wrote, “Be prepared for others - especially your children - to not understand. So tread lightly.” Another person, who seemed not at all amused, wrote, "What kind of a woman responds to someone announcing that his wife has dementia with a sexual invitation?”