Fiancé insists his dad check if bride's hymen is intact, to confirm she's still a virgin
There are a lot of traditions and rituals in the institution of marriage that are abusive and harmful. One would assume, the regressive traditions of the days gone by would change with the times. But even in the 21st century, there are people who still follow and live like those who did two centuries ago. This was evident in the incident shared by a 22-year-old woman who soon was to be wed to her 25-year-old fiancé, with only a bizarre tradition standing in between. User FarReference3 posted on Reddit's Relationship Advice subreddit hoping to find some clarity for her murky troubles.
In the post, she wrote that she got engaged about eight months ago. "We decided on having a relatively small wedding which is in two days," she said. "Everything was going great. He seems absolutely perfect and we are very much in love." She went on to explain: "I am a virgin and so is he, he wanted to save it for marriage and I wasn't fussed so I agreed to save it. He has told me earlier that in his family the father checks the virginity of the bride the night before the wedding. I laughed this off as it seriously sounds like a massive joke."
But it was not a joke at all and her fiancé was being very serious about this intrusive tradition. "He wants me, the night before to open my legs up in a small ceremony type thing so his dad can check me while him, his brothers, and uncle can watch so that they know I am still 'pure.' She told him, "Fat chance, I am going to do that." Her fiancé then started begging her to go through with it and telling her how important it is for him. "He said he knew it was slightly embarrassing for me but his mom did and it will prove how much I love him and that I have nothing to hide anyway as I am still a virgin," she stated. "I left and he was crying, it was very dramatic tbh."
The bride-to-be went over to stay at a friend's house and spend the night there. With only one more day to decide, she took to Reddit to ask for advice. "I want to call off the whole wedding because of this and never talk to him again," she confided. "But at the same time, it's only one thing and other than that we are genuinely perfect for each other and I don't want to spend my life with anyone else and it is very important to him and his family. What the frick frack do I do?"
Firstly, virginity is a social construct under patriarchy. Having sex for the first time does not mean you are losing your virginity, you are just experiencing something new. Virginity, and its association with purity, being carried on the weight of an untorn hymen is just a way to control the bodily autonomy of young women. “Who gets saddled with the discourse of purity? Women do,” Dr. Breanne Fahs, Ph.D. in clinical psychology and women's studies and associate professor at ASU, told The State Press. “When women are trying to feel like they’re negotiating sexual purity, that is never good." Redditors told the bride as much and asked her to run from the weird family.
MainstreamMolly2 commented: Assuming this is true, you need to run far and fast. While it may be a cultural thing (?), no respectful husband would allow his wife to be violated like that if she is not okay with the procedure. And you literally can't "check for virginity." I really hope this is a troll. One user wrote: You may not have an intact hymen. Most females don't. This proves NOTHING!!!! Plus it's disgusting to even think about your soon-to-be in-laws looking at your twat. Another person laid it down as it was, no holds barred, and wrote: I'm so angry at this it's literally like "hey can my dad molest you real quick just to check your 'purity'" So f****** insulting towards you and gross. Take care OP.