What happens when someone you love falls foul of #MeToo? New book helps people navigate social minefield
There is no denying that living in the #MeToo era has made us better, brave and more compassionate. But what happens when it gets personal? What do we do when we learn a friend has been harmed? Or worse yet, what do we do when the person who caused the harm is someone we love?
Owning up to your mistakes and privileges is one thing but being a bystander to a series of events you have no control over is something else altogether.
Journalist AV Flox's new book 'Disrupting the Bystander' promises to help you navigate through the treacherous maze of cancel culture and how to deal with a situation when someone you're close to is the problem.
While the movement made us talk about the problem openly, her book will have you thinking about a solution because she's been the bystander too.
It all starts with looking at the solution more than the punishment as a response to harm, she says. "Because American society is deeply attached to a model where punishment is the only response to harm, I think many people confuse harm reduction strategies with punishment," she told MEA WorldWide (MEAWW).
She says that it isn't about making someone who has harmed suffer. "It's about trying to prevent future harm, which means that there is no one-size-fits-all answer. How you reduce the risk of future harm varies from one situation to the next," she said.
Cancel culture makes people disposable—the very people could potentially be different people if they're willing to put in the work.
That doesn't mean that you don't call them out.
The major aspect to look at is that they own their harm and that they put in the work to change. "I don't tell friends who have harmed off or hold my love hostage," she says, adding, "I say something along the lines of, 'I love you and always will, but this isn't okay. We can't hang until you own your harm and commit to doing the work to change. I will be prioritizing the people impacted or most likely to be impacted by your actions and do for them what harm reduction I can. I don't do this to punish you or in retaliation, though it may feel that way and I'm sorry for that. I will be here for you to support you in accountability as soon as you are ready to own your harm and do the work.'"
While saying that to a friend is one of the hardest things one has to ever do, it could be a reflection of love. "I expect people who love me not to look the other way when I cause harm. I expect them to trust me enough to call on me when I mess up, so that I can come back into integrity with my values," she said.
"There's no better ally in accountability than a friend who acknowledges the harm we've done and can stand strong against our derails and evasions, helping us get back to the impact of our actions when we start to detour into intentions, justifications, dismissals, and so on."
The first and foremost thing to remember when navigating a #MeToo situation among friends is to approach it with love and courage. You are allowed to be friends with them. Use the power of friendship to motivate people to change their behavior, she says. "When friends who have done harm are willing to own their actions, offer repair, and do the work to change, I'm ready to support them in that work," she said. If they aren't willing to work on it, however, it is alright to cut them off, as extreme as it may be.
'Disrupting the Bystander' combines behavioral neuroscience with insights from harm interventionism and highlights important research and restorative justice work done by those on the frontlines.
It is available now from Thorntree Press.